I saw another pair of truck balls today. As such, I’ve decided it is time to tell you 6 Things Women Are Over About Men. Quasi-Men. 

6 things

What’s a quasiman? A quasi-man is a person with man-parts who hasn’t quite gotten the message, either because those in his immediate circle are performing such acts of stupidity or he’s dense, that we’re just not into these things I’m about to expand upon. We don’t like them. They don’t make us want to be with you. They make us think you’re un-evolved, insensitive and immature.

Women want to commit to men, not quasi-men. Men, if you are looking for a woman, take heart.

I work with college-aged women and men every day. Recently I’ve had several conversations with women of all ages lamenting that there are no good men left. They are all taken. I can only speak for taking one of them myself, but I know for certain more are out there. Let’s free them of some incorrect assumptions of what women dig and clue them in to a few things that seem to persist in the please, please stop doing this category.

One. Truck balls.

What are truck balls? If you are asking this, you’re already one step ahead. Congratulations! Truck balls are, what appear to be, a pair of tennis balls, placed into a discarded sheath of nylon (mom’s pantyhose?), and hung from the tow hitch of a large truck.

(I’d provide a picture for you, but I really don’t want to know what would come up on Google if I searched the term “truck balls.”) I think you get the idea.

Perhaps I see more of these particular, um, oddities because I’m in the Midwest surrounded by a plethora of farms. But, still. Gentlemen, why? Are you trying to prove your masculinity to other quasi-men? Do you prepare the truck balls on a weekend and think the women will love this!  Know what we think? That’s stupid. It doesn’t make us want to get to know you better.

Two. Arrogance.

I blogged a while ago about a CEO who branded himself one of American’s Super-CEO’s. I was at a table with him at an event and, upon hearing that we had four kids, he stated, “So, you’re at home, then.” I’m not sure if it was the arrogant label of Super-CEO or the assumption of my nonexistent career that irritated me more. In this case, I’m going to go with arrogance. Women (not girls) who are ready for a commitment and who have gained some life experience can sniff out an arrogant man in a heartbeat. When we encounter an arrogant or insecure or narcissistic man, we turn the other way. We figure whatever relationship we embark upon with you will probably be self-centered and selfish. We want men who will listen, learn and mature with us and our children.

We want men who will cherish us, not charm us. Charm is shallow and wears thin quickly.

Three. Sick T-shirts.

Perhaps this is more for the college-aged men, but I’ve encountered more sick t-shirts in my classroom as of late. Especially around homecoming. Don’t get me wrong, I love homecoming. Parade, 5k run, alumni functions, football game, the energy of parents and fans in town. It’s magical. At our college, about a week prior to homecoming, some male students set up shop across the street from campus and sell unofficial (inappropriate and demeaning) homecoming t-shirts. I never paid much attention until one male student wore his shirt to class the following week. It said something like, if she can’t hold her liquor, she’s too young, bro. There were several shirts that referenced guys hitting that and gettin’ some. 

Walking through the Mall of America or any other mall in America (and college campuses) I see guys wearing shirts like your mouth would look better with my [body part] in it and shirts that invite women to [make vulgar love to] me and shirts that make fun of fat chicks and shirts that invite you to rent me by the hour.

We’re so over this. If you wear shirts like these, you’re not looking for a good woman. You’re looking for a hook up and we’re kind of over that too. 

Four. Dirty jokes

The other day my husband told me about a new employee who, on the day after the Ray Rice scandal broke, day 2 of this person’s employment, he told this joke in the office trailer to my husband and his work partner

Why are women scared to go to Baltimore for a wedding? Because they are afraid they’ll get hit by rice.

Admittedly, it took me a second to get the joke. (I’m using the term “joke” loosely.) This guy is a white-collar professional. To their credit, the hubs and his work partner looked at the dude and were like, yeah, ok. So far, no more jokes. Dirty jokes, inappropriate jokes, and jokes about weight/sex/appearance/sexual preferences/blondes go over with women like a fart in church. Your credibility with us, and other men, is diminished every time you let one of these fly. Pretty soon our view of you is like death by a thousand cuts; every little joke adds up to one big ‘ol bad opinion. 

Five. Gay jokes

Oh, we get it, quasi-men are threatened by gay men, evidently. We see this when you sneer at an effeminate man who walks by or when you make sly remarks under your breath about guys who like to shop. News flash, my husband likes to shop and he’s all man, baby. Flamboyant dressers or artistic performers are made fun of in secret and in public. Anything against the tide of machismo is considered queer or abnormal or threatening.

<Psst. Look around, make sure no one is watching you read this article. Lean in and pretend I’m whispering into your ear. Ready? Every one of my woman friends wishes she had a gay guy best friend to shop with. They are the best.>

Enough with the gay jokes. We get it. You’re jealous. Get over yourself and see the good in people. Everyone hurts. Everyone struggles. Everyone is just figuring themselves out. Don’t add to the misery.

Six. Skin Pictures

The other day my son and I were talking about what happens in the high school football locker room. Whereas that’s an entirely separate blog post about boys (not men), he made a good point about boys sharing pictures of their girlfriends’ va jay-jays. Or, what they said was their girlfriends’ va jay-jay. Why would they do that?

Good question.

My husband previously worked in the California oilfields and he regularly ran into husbands, fiancees, boyfriends and single men whipping out their cell phones at lunch to show the latest skin pics of “their women.”

Hey, what you do with your partner is your business and it should stay that way. The minute a women finds out you’ve (a) shared sexual exploits about her to your friends, (b) shared pictures of her lady-parts, or (c) both… she’s going to be pissed off, hurt and doubting her choice in you.

We want to be cherished, respected and loved, not entertainment for your buddies.

Look, here’s the bottom line. Men are wonderful. They are kind, respectful, dependable and sexy. Quasi-men need to find a few good men and learn from them.

Good women want good men; good men need good women.